Missing You
by Chloe3
Summary: (post-OOTP) Harry is feeling broken and confused, now that Sirius Black is dead. But some things change when Lupin finds him crying by the lake…


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Title: Missing You

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By: Chloe (the elvish, angst-loving, enthusiast.)

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Feedback: Of course! You can email me at: evenstar47@hotmail.com and ff.net feedback is always welcome. :)

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Rated: PG-13 (for angst and character death)

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Summery: Harry is feeling broken and confused, now that Sirius Black is dead. But some things change when Lupin finds him crying by the lake…

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Spoilers: YES for Order of the Phoenix (by JK Rowling) but other than that, not a bit!

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Disclaimers: I do not own ANY of the characters, places, situations or ANYTHING like that, they all belong exclusively to JK Rowling, and I don't have permission to use them. But I'm not getting paid EITHER, so there ya go. ;)

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Disclaimer Notes: There are several paragraphs near the beginning, and then several more that the end that are direct quotes from the book. I just figured, should you notice these, I'd let you know that I AM quoting Jo Rowling in those places, but most of it is mine. ;)

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Dedication: To Mommy: who made us cry when she so dramatically read Sirius' death aloud! One of the biggest Lupin fans of all; your "read-aloud" voice for him made us love him even more!! :)

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Missing You

Harry Potter walked a short way around the lake, sat down on its bank, sheltered from the gaze of passersby behind a tangle of shrubs, and stared out over the gleaming water, thinking…

Perhaps the reason he wanted to be alone was because he had felt isolated from everybody since his talk with Dumbledore. An invisible barrier separated him from the rest of the world. He was-he headways been-a marked man. It was just that he had never really understood what that meant.

And yet sitting here on the edge of the lake, with the terrible weight of grief dragging on him, with the loss of Sirius so raw and fresh inside, he could not master any great sense of fear. It was sunny and the grounds around him were full of laughing people, and even though he felt as distant from them as though he belonged to a different race, it was still very hard to believe as he sat here that his life must include or end in, murder…

He sat there for a long time, gazing out at the water, trying not to think about his godfather or remember that it was directly across from here, on the opposite bank, that Sirius had collapsed trying to fend off a hundred dementors…

Harry supposed that grief had always been a part of his life, and tried to think that to himself so as not to think on other things too much. He'd lost his father, he'd lost his mother, he'd lost his home, and now he'd lost the only person close to a relative he'd ever cared about. Voices in his head tried to convince him that he had a right to be angry, that he _should_ blame it all on Dumbledore. But he couldn't do it. He was hurt, tired, confused…he had no strength left to be angry…

The soft sigh of leaves echoed loudly in Harry's ears, and he realized someone was approaching. He pulled his knees up to his chest, rested his chin on them, and stared out over the lake, trying to concentrate on being invisible. It didn't work as well as he had hoped, and soon he was hearing someone sitting down on the bank a few feet away from him.

He could see out of the corner of his eye, a figure taller than he was, but that was all he could tell from here. Unwilling to turn his head, he only stared distantly at the lake, and kept his mouth resolutely shut. The newcomer sighed softly, and said nothing, situating himself closer to Harry, so he could be sheltered from view by the tangled shrubs as well.

After what seemed like hours, he spoke. "Hello, Harry."

Harry bit his lip and didn't respond, realizing who it was, but refusing to risk sharing his feelings with anyone.

Remus Lupin was silent a moment longer, and it was plain he didn't know how to proceed. An awkward feeling hung precariously in the air for several long moments, but Harry liked it there, for it somehow made the situation feel right. Why shouldn't they be uncomfortable? Sirius Black's death had been no small hurt for him. It wasn't something he was going to let someone sit down and talk him out of hurting over…

"Harry?" Lupin tried again, his voice pleading. "Will you let me talk to you?"

Harry raised a shoulder in a half-hearted shrug, but didn't take his eyes off the lake.

Lupin sighed again, and launched smoothly into what he had to say. "Harry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry about Sirius, he was…he was very proud of you."

Harry snorted airily into his knees, shaking his head slightly. He was so sick of everyone making light of his godfather's death. First Dumbledore, then Hagrid, now Lupin. As though Sirius being proud of his godson when he was a live made any difference, now!

"I…I brought you something," Lupin said at length, reaching into his robes. Setting the item down on the grass next to Harry, he turned to look out at the lake again, just to show he wouldn't watch Harry finally look up from the glassy water.

Harry detested the idea of looking down at whatever it was, like a creature that could be tempted out of its shell. But his curiosity got the better of him, and after a long pause, he looked down at the gift. His eyebrows raised in surprise as he picked it up off the ground, and flattened it against his knees.

There, waving up at him, stood four familiar faces. Lupin stood to the left, pulling Peter Pettigrew into the shot with an arm around the shorter boy's small shoulders. Peter was grinning up at Harry, waving his hand, but Lupin was only grinning, because his other hand was wrapped around another's shoulders, so he couldn't wave. The other was James Potter, who was sandwiched between Lupin and another boy, laughing energetically towards Harry with smiling eyes reflecting behind his circle-rimmed glasses.

The other boy to James' left was also familiar, though much younger-looking than he'd ever seen him. Sirius Black had his right arm draped over James' shoulder, and he was waving like mad, and laughing with James.

Harry flipped the picture over, and read in old, but still glittering ink-probably bewitched to keep glittering-smooth, but often disjointed letters:

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Moony-

I solemnly swear I'm up to no good, as always. Be sure that Wormtail gets the other copy, Prongs has got his.

Padfoot

Harry's mouth had gone dry as he flipped the picture of the four Marauders back over, to greet the smiling faces.

"I'm sorry Lily isn't in it," Lupin murmured apologetically. "But she's the one who took it for us. I thought…I thought maybe you'd like to have it."

He couldn't help smiling as he took in his father and Sirius once more, who were still laughing up at him happily, making great, deep smile lines that seemed to reach to their ears. He'd almost forgotten how great it was to see a smile on his godfather's face. If Sirius black was smiling, all was well with the world, it seemed. The smile faded from Harry's lips, and he could feel Lupin's eyes on him.

"What is it?"

Harry shook his head, feeling a painful lump growing in his throat. "I don't want it," he said at last, just barely above a whisper.

"What?" Lupin shook his head. "I thought-"

"I don't want it," Harry repeated, now looking for the first time at Lupin. "I- I don't want a picture of Sirius, take it back." He held the picture out to Lupin.

The other didn't move. "Harry-"

"I don't want it, take it back!" Harry cried, thrusting the picture out closer to Lupin.

"Harry," Lupin's voice was quiet. "I know how you feel."

"You don't have a CLUE how I feel!" Harry shouted, shaking the paper with his words. "You haven't lost Sirius Black like I have! No one has!"

"Harry, please. Take the picture. It will help, I know it will."

"I don't want it, take it back, I don't want a picture of Sirius!" Lupin continued to stare intently at Harry and didn't move. Harry's fingers clenched angrily on the picture, crumpling the edge. "I DON'T WANT IT!" Furiously, he slammed it hard into the grass beside Lupin, and tore his hand away from it.

Silence covered the space between them as Harry glared across the lake for awhile. Finally, Lupin spoke, but his voice was so soft, it was almost as though he had not. "What can I do?"

"Nothing. You can't do anything," Harry snapped. "No, wait. You can leave me alone. Leave me alone, okay?!"

Lupin nodded quickly. "Okay, Harry. If that's what you want." He was about to get to his feet. He was going to leave. Well, that's what Harry wanted, wasn't it? He just wanted to be left alone! No one would understand what he was feeling anyway.

But then another thought occurred to him that made him say, "Wait-" though it took him a moment to realize why. If Lupin was going to leave, Harry wanted him to go knowing what he was feeling. The feeling of losing himself to grief hurt to see coming to reality, and he wanted to share his feelings with someone. Anyone. Anyone who would listen.

It confused him, because he was sure he had wanted to stay in his shell just moments before. Maybe he was just cracking. Completely losing himself. He felt like Cho Chang; wanting to tell someone about his hurt, because they were hurting too. That's exactly what Cho did to him over Cedric Diggory's death, and he'd hated that! But Lupin literally asked for it. Let him _try_ to understand what Harry was feeling!

"Wait," Harry repeated, looking over the lake thoughtfully, trying to keep the lump in his throat as low as possible. "You just- you couldn't possibly understand. You couldn't understand what I'm feeling." He shook his head. It'd been stupid to hope that Lupin would listen and know what he was really feeling. No one could. He was alone in his grief. Alone in his feelings.

He heard Lupin sit down again. After a long pause, he felt the other's eyes on him. "I can try."

"No, you can't. You can't know what I'm feeling, no one can. You can't even _guess _what I'm feeling!"

"I know you're hurting."

"Well, that wasn't obvious!" Harry scoffed, turning his head to the side so Lupin could see his eyes. He was afraid he was going to cry, and he didn't want to.

"You can't keep this inside forever."

"Says you," Harry snapped, turning his eyes back on the lake.

"It's only going to hurt you more if you hold it in," Lupin whispered gently.

"Well, maybe I don't' care!" Harry roared.

And for the first time, Lupin's voice rose just a bit. "Harry, I miss Sirius too."

"You don't miss him like I do! NO ONE MISSSES SIRIUS LIKE I DO! They don't care, and neither do you!"

Silence.

The silence almost surprised Harry, for he had expected Lupin to respond, so he turned to look at the man.

Lupin was gazing over the lake, but he didn't appear to be looking at it at all. His mouth was closed, and except for the rapid shifting of his eyes, he was as still as stone. Slowly, so slowly it hurt, he turned his head, and met Harry's gaze.

Harry was panting slightly from his yelling, and staring with confusion at Lupin. The man smiled sadly and nodded, looking across the lake again for a moment, then back at Harry. "I-" his voice seemed to catch in his throat as he tried to speak, so he looked down at the grass surrounding his boots for a moment instead, as though looking for his voice there, his eyes dancing over what he was looking at, which appeared to be in a dimension far beyond the grass at his feet.

He looked back to Harry and nodded again. "I miss Sirius," he said quietly, furrowing his eyebrows as though trying to make Harry believe that he was telling the truth. He reached down beside him, lifting the picture from the grass, and smoothing out the crumpled corner gently.

He sighed softly, smoothing his fingers over the picture, and Harry was almost certain he saw something he couldn't believe in the man's deep eyes. Were there tears shining there? But Lupin rose to his feet, and walked away before Harry could know for sure.

Harry wrapped his arms even tighter around his knees, trying once again not to think of his godfather, and doing his best to keep the lump in his throat closer to his chest. The picture of the four Marauders seemed to have burned itself into his eyes, for he could see their smiling faces and waving hands flickering in the lake, and it only made his chest hurt even more with the effort of not crying.

But Harry could only keep that up for so long, before he gave up, and let his emotions do what they would.

The sun had fallen before he realized that he was cold. He got up and returned to the castle, wiping his face on his sleeve as he went.

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*****At King's Cross Station******

"We thought we'd just have a few words with you about Harry," said Mr. Weasley, still smiling.

"Yeah," growled Moody. "About how he's treated when he's at your place."

Uncle Vernon's mustache seemed to bristle with indignation. Possibly because the bowler hat gave him the entirely mistaken impression that he was dealing with a kindred spirit, he addressed himself to Moody.

"I am not aware that is any of your business what goes on in my house-"

"I expect what you're not aware of could fill several books, Dursley," growled Moody.

"Anyway, that's not the point," interjected Tonks, whose pink hair seemed to offend Aunt Petunia more than all the rest put together, for she closed her eyes rather than look at her. "The point is, if we find out you've been horrible to Harry-"

"-and make no mistake, we'll hear about it," added Lupin pleasantly.

"Yes," said Mr. Weasley, "even if you won't let Harry use the fellytone-"

"_Telephone_," whispered Hermione.

"Yeah, if we get any hint that Potter's been mistreated in any way, you'll have us to answer to," said Moody.

He turned away from Uncle Vernon to survey Harry. "So, Potter…give us a shout if you need us. If we don't hear from you for three days in a row, we'll send someone along. Bye, then, Potter," said Moody, grasping Harry's shoulder for a moment with a gnarled hand.

Next, Lupin was standing in front of him, and Harry felt a twinge of guilt deep in his chest. "I-" he began, but Lupin shook his head, taking Harry's hand, and pressing a folded piece of paper into it. Harry unfolded it quickly.

Four Marauders staring up at him, smiling and waving. He flipped it over and found two inscriptions The one on the top was:

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Padfoot,

Mischief managed, Lily just got these in a few days ago. Could you get Moony and Wormtail's copies to them? Thanks.

Prongs

And underneath that,

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Harry - I found this in Sirius' things last night. I thought you should have it.

~Lupin

Harry looked up at the tired and pale man in front of him but couldn't speak.

"Take care, Harry," said Lupin quietly. "Keep in touch."

"Harry, we'll have you away from there as soon as we can," Mrs. Weasley whispered, hugging him again.

"We'll see you soon, mate," said Ron anxiously, shaking Harry's hand.

"Really soon, Harry," said Hermione earnestly. "We promise."

Harry nodded. He somehow couldn't find the words to tell them what it meant to him, to see them all ranged there, on his side. Instead, he smiled, raised a hand in farewell, turned around, and led the way out of the station toward the sunlit street, with Uncle Vernon, Aunt Petunia, and Dudley hurrying along in his wake.

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The End


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